Musings: The Shy Exhibitionist

Almost finally over that sickness! Probably just one more day, we'll see. Slept all day today, first time my lungs and body pain was low enough to sleep without interruption.

....

Anyway, I've been doing some musing. Pondering and thinking, which I do whenever I'm not doing anything else. And of course, it's been about fetishes in some way. In this case, the paradox of my shy, even anti-social, nature and my desire/lust to be sexual in a public way.

Essentially, I've been thinking how can I dislike spending time with people so much, despite loving the thrill of putting myself or facsimiles of myself out into the world in a sexual way?

It's no secret that I draw my avatar Alora, a LOT. Like insanely so. She's an idealized version of myself, a bit thinner, with the bust I want (and am striving for), and a few other minor things like lack of scars. So, why do I draw me/her so much? Well, I get a sexual thrill out of it. It makes my heart quiver and my stomach bubble to portray myself in such a way. With larger than life breasts, stuffed to the brim, as a blueberry, bound and helpless, nude, and so on and so on. Putting a form of myself into a sexual way and then sharing it, it really scratches an itch I have deep inside myself, makes me happy and even yes sexually frazzled.

There are other ways this burns in me too. Getting comments, notes, and the like saying Alora is attractive, some embracing my sexuality the way I do, even letting me know I've invaded fantasies and dreams- all this makes me very happy and feel very sexual. I'm extremely flattered.

The dream journals are a new one, one I was even hesitant to go through with when I first got the idea to. While many would read it like a story, and indeed it's so easy to. The fact I "live" through those events when I sleep, then sharing them makes me feel vulnerable in that way my Exhibitionism just adores. It's a level of exposure I just... it just makes me happy.

But then we get to the paradox.

I'm shy. I'm super super shy.

I'm practically a social recluse who flat out dislikes being with people in person, speaking on the phone. The simplest contact for me is letters and texts. I'm not afraid of people, I don't hate people, I just don't like the... contact. And even more bizarrely, this applies to people I'm "closer" to than people I'm not. There's this... scale. That the closer a person is to me, the more awkward I am spending time with them. It's most prominent with family, and a few friends. That I just reach a point where I'd rather not spend time around them, not anti-socially- just a shift inside me.

The only exception to this has been Lilly- my fiance. With whom I've spent nearly every moment with for years when possible.

I don't know what it is. The best guess I have is... either a fear of, or a particular obsession with- Intimacy.

There's this bizarreness about me- in which I begin to feel... these sorts of obligations. A connection with a person that makes me uncomfortable. Especially when the other person wants the friendship to become deeper, or we need to get closer, or any number of things. I have a boundary and I want it to be respected, but it's just so "big" compared to most peoples' that it looks like (and may be) a form shutting out.

This is also why I don't roleplay. Because of this... bizarre relationship I have with intimacy.

As a handful of my streams have noted, and indeed my general attitude- I have no problem with roleplaying as a concept. And indeed I don't even have any problem myself Roleplaying in a sexual light. Alora's entire existence is me putting out and playing my sexual desires. From Collar and Lock, to playing around saying sexual things, to hearing sexual compliments about her/me. I've no problem, and even embrace that sexual role.

So why don't I roleplay? The biggest reason is time. But I'm beginning to think another aspect of it, is that sort of... awkwardness I have with intimacy. In my mind, it's one thing to throw myself out in sexual pictures, public roles, and sharing my sexual fantasies. It's another to do that *with* another person, with one other person. It's touching a nature of intimacy I'm not... comfortable with. Despite the lewd ways I portray myself for a huge crowd of anonymous people, passerby, lurkers, and friends.

It's a bizarre double standard. Where I'm afraid of intimacy and close socialization on a one by one case, but I can be so open and derive so much pleasure from similar situations in a more public setting. Even if that is all still digital.




Quick sum-up:
- As an exhibitionist, I derive so much pleasure from putting myself/idealized avatar, my sexual fantasies, and even mild "public" roleplaying out into the world.
- As a shy almost anti-social person, I'm afraid or uncomfortable with intimacy that makes me sort of slow down or stop relationships at my comfort zone.
- I don't roleplay one on one because of this discomfort with intimacy.



So~ Any questions?